The Wednesday Ten: Doubles Will Find Me

So, the Ten is a day late. And Paul Boye, your usual curator, is out of pocket, so I will be pulling together your Tuesday Wednesday 10 today. Plenty happening with the Phillies and around the league, so let’s get right into it.

10. Delmon Young plays the sport of baseball professionally (for money) in an organization known as Major League Baseball

OK, look. This isn’t that bad. Sure, there are countless other .gifs documenting Delmon’s tragilarious defense in the outfield, but that one hit off the wall! He could’ve played it better, or gotten to it quicker, but it bounced kinda funkily. It’s not like he botched a routine fly there. And, more importantly, it’s not as if the Phillies signed Delmon to be early-2000s Andruw Jones in the outfield; he’s here for his stick. He’s a role player, and it’s unfair to- actually, now that I’m looking at it, he’s hitting .214/.292/.393 in 65 plate appearances. That’s really bad. I mean, it’s only 65 plate appearances, and it’s not like the Phillies bet the house on him, but dang. He’d better pull some kind of streak together quickly.

9. Man, I’ll tell you, that Chase Utley fellow can reall

No, wait, I’m not done with this. .214/.292/.393, that’s a .685 OPS. This dude is in Ty Wigginton territory. Actually, he’s orchestrated a full-scale land invasion of Ty Wigginton territory, planted the flag in the capital, and is marshaling his troops for an assault on the Republic of Mike Martinez. OK, only 65 PA, coming off of an ankle injury. But since when is Delmon Young the guy you exercise patience with? Wasn’t he one of those “low-risk” and “high-reward” signings I’ve heard travelers from other markets sing tales of? Take a chance, then cut him loose? Well the results are in! He’s still really bad. Strap him to the rocket.

8. Cole Hamels run support factoid roundup. Here are some rounded up factoids about Cole Hamels’ run su

Come to think of it, about the only thing that Delmon has done so far was hit a home run in his first plate appearance back, and then, presumably, stay un-fat enough to get paid more money (and I guess he dingered last night or whatever). Remember when it was March, and he whined feebly about having to practice the sport of baseball in less-than-optimal weather? I am by no means the “attitude police” type of spectator, but, cheese and crackers, how must he regard his profession if he has to be bribed like a child just to stay in good enough of shape to play it? Think about that.

7. Mike Adams‘ rehab deets! Here is the low-down. The skinny. Please say something about Mike Ada

I mean seriously, just look at that. Notice how Nellie Fox, Harold Baines, and Luke Appling, just chilling in portrait form on the left field wall, have to watch Baby Huey make a pathetic farce out of the game they dedicated 61 combined seasons to — a game that Delmon could hardly be bothered to put effort into if it were early Spring and there were a chance his nipples could chafe.

6. Carlos Ruiz to the disabled list! He has a hurty spot on his leg and cannot play the game of baseball! For the Phillies!

There was no possibility of a DH rule for the National League this year, right? No chance that Bud Selig would suddenly insert that into the rulebook on like, March 30th? Because I can’t fathom how Ruben Amaro thought Young could be serviceable in a Major League outfield. His route-running makes Darin Ruf look like a GPS unit with legs. What on earth was the — oh, yes, I remember. It’s because he’s playing right field now. That’s much better. Waddling about the open field and hoping for Ben Revere to bail you out is a lot easier to do on the right side of the field! Because reasons! Is that what the scouts said? Amaro and the front office in general have been very clear that it’s their scouts that they trust with the most important evaluations, to the exclusion of distractions like math and data.

5. Paul is a lot better at this. I work hard at these prompts and I feel like you’re not even payi

So I assume, then, that some plurality of the Phillies’ big league scouting team got together and concluded “hey! That guy. That guy right there. The one who rivals Richard Nixon in both outfield range and antisemitism. You know what his problem is? Wrong side of the field. If he stands on THIS side of the almost-completely-symmetrical field, and not that other side, he’ll be able to catch baseballs instead of making playful pirouettes and kicking them to other parts of the field, and attend Passover Seder quietly and respectfully instead of screaming about George Soros.” This is one of several things that literally must have happened in order for Delmon Young to end up on the Phillies. Someone had to watch Delmon Young “play outfield” and conclude he was qualified to do anything other than choreograph a ballet about motor dyspraxia, if only he would switch sides.

4. Stop! Hey! What about, like, this .gif?

Here I fixed that for you:

3. Heh, well, guess it’s time to wrap up the Ten a bit early eh? Please?

It’s not as if the Phillies were set to cruise easily to an NL East title, either. It was abundantly clear this offseason that the Phillies were on the fringe of contention, and depended on a lot of things going just the right way to improve upon last year. Non-tendering Nate Schierholtz was weird, wasn’t it? I mean, he’s no great shake, but that guy can play in the field for sure. He could’ve made a useful platoon partner probably. How is that guy doing?

2. Well, he’s hitting .285/.321/.520 in 132 PA, but you can’t really expect-

Great. Awesome. So our arb-eligible-but-cheap option that we cut loose is off to a hot start, and the guy that we’re paying not to be fat is probably going to keep playing anyway, hit most of his incentives, and walk away with $2.2 million or so.

1. That’s not totally fair. It’s only May.

Shut up, prompter.

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19 comments

  1. TomG

    May 22, 2013 10:23 AM

    Awesome! Also? Seamless! Because I didn’t even notice it wasn’t Paul Boyé until about thé fifth time you mentioned it and by then my browser was going, “Héy! Why no ‘é’s yét?” which gave it away.

    [Adding: It's Wednesday? Time to weigh Delmon and give him more money!]

    I knew that third .gif was a fake because DY never moved that fast in his life and, if memory serves, he’s got a slightly bigger body than that.

    I was watching a show on the MLB network the other day and they showed a vide of Nate Nate Schierholtz flying out to left for the final out in a Cubs 3-2 loss to the Mets and so that proves, to put it mathematically, that DY > NS. (On the other hand, this: “DY < NS" would be mathese for Delmon Young is about to eat Nate Schierholtz.

    So there, QED. DY is better than NS.

    Perhaps if his first name were “Naté” …

  2. TomG

    May 22, 2013 10:26 AM

    “they showed a vide of Nate Nate Schierholtz” …

    Yeah, that’s right. His close friends call him “Nate Nate”. Gotta problem with that?

    Got on excuse for that “vide” though. My keyboard ran out of O’s? Yeah. That.

  3. TomG

    May 22, 2013 10:27 AM

    “Got on” …

    Bieber H. Chryslerbuilding!

    Got no

    Nate-Nate’s best bud out!

  4. VoteForDelmon

    May 22, 2013 11:57 AM

    I’m VoteForDelmon, and I approve this blog post.

    -VoteForDelmon

    PS – Cot for Demon

  5. VoteForDelmon

    May 22, 2013 12:00 PM

    You forgot to mention that the Phillies were so confident in his abilities, they had him listed as their starter even with that ankle injury, thus he is on the all star ballot. Please remember to vote every time you are at the ballpark and up to 35 times at mlb.com.

    Though I wonder if Amaro and company would understand why Delmon was getting lots of all star votes if it actually happened…

  6. Chris S.

    May 22, 2013 12:15 PM

    If you vote for Delmon to be an all-star Amaro will only feel vindicated for making such a dumb move. He will say look we got an All-star for just 750K plus weight bonuses!

  7. Ryan Sommers

    May 22, 2013 12:39 PM

    Delmon does appear to have “award bonuses” on his contract and one of them is probably an All-Star appearance but you know what, fuck it, cot for Delmon anyway

  8. VoteForDelmon

    May 22, 2013 12:40 PM

    @Chris S.

    You are probably correct, he actually wouldn’t understand that people voting for a guy with a sub-.700 OPS was clearly mocking the acquisition.

    I’m sure we’d hear something about him being the ALCS MVP.

    But at least we would all know…

  9. JM

    May 22, 2013 02:56 PM

    I bet we could trade Cliff Lee and Cole Hamels for…The Astros…and their farm teams…and Nolen Ryan Beef, and RAJ would still trumpet DY

  10. the Philly sports desert

    May 22, 2013 03:26 PM

    I like the idea of the Houston Astros for Lee and Hamels except that we’d have to throw about 15 million into the deal to make the payrolls even. If we can get them to take Howard too, then it’s an even swap. I figure his contract counts for at least a (-)15 million

  11. srl19

    May 22, 2013 04:17 PM

    This is just fantastic. That gif will haunt my dreams.

    Baby Huey!

  12. LTG

    May 22, 2013 06:27 PM

    Tom McCarthy just said that the Marlins “took flyers” on Polanco and Pierre, hoping to “catch lightning in a bottle” but “it hasn’t paid off”(!!!!). Tom McCarthy thinks that the Marlins organization is trying to win this year and that they would have one if those two have career years or something close to it.

  13. Tomg

    May 22, 2013 07:14 PM

    ^ I can beat that. I’m sitting here watching the game and, as usual, complaining about the lack of offense when DY homers. And the wife sez, “and you were just saying they can’t hit! Apologize to Delmon Young!”

    So, under protest, I now say: Cot for Demon!

    So we’re good now?

    Full disclosure: No, I am not married to Tom McCarthy.

  14. Dustin

    May 22, 2013 07:15 PM

    DELMON YOUNG READ THIS ARTICLE AND GOT PISSED, HITTING BOMBS.

  15. Miguel

    May 22, 2013 07:33 PM

    And by outfield assisting

  16. Jack Parkman

    May 23, 2013 07:13 AM

    Hmmm…kairosfail given that Young has played solidly over the past few games (small sample size caveat).

    I come here not to praise Delmon, nor to defend the club’s use of him, but to take some middle path. And I say that fully admitting that I’d rather the Phils had never signed him in the first place.

    1. He’s not an awful option in this muddled, no-clear-everyday-starter-having outfield. Who among the current mix can really claim to be an everyday player? Brown is the closest, but I’m comfortable sitting him against LHP in favor of, say, Delmon Young. Revere isn’t impressing. Mayberry in CF vs. LHP makes sense. With that, you can already make the case for Young as a platoon/bench bat option. Yes, he’s a despicable human being. Yes, he’s too slow (hasn’t stolen more than one base in a season since 2010). But comparisons to the lefty Schierholtz don’t really make sense given that Nix was on the roster.

    2. Young defense seems to have been underrated. Sure, we’ve seen flashes of the incompetence highlighted by the .gifs. But we’ve also seen that he’s generally competent, has a + arm, etc. Above average RF? Probably not. But, given that this club has put Pat Burrell and Raul Ibanez on the field every day, and made World Series doing so, it’s not the end of the world.

    3. Still, he’s been overused since joining the team. When’s the last time Nix got a start? Why is Young playing (almost) every day? I’m fine with Young getting 3-4 starts per week–more if the team faces a run of lefties, passes through an AL city, or someone (an OF or Howard) is injured. I’m not fine with Young taking significant playing time from Mayberry, and I’d like to see if Nix is useful as a two-starts-per-week bat.

    4. I’m disappointed in this week’s Ten. It might’ve been funnier last week.

  17. amarosucks

    May 26, 2013 01:30 PM

    Young’s defense may have been overrated is the funniest post I have seen on this site. I love sarcasm.

    These .gifs are the only return the phils and their fans will see on the DY contract. Since they aren’t contenders it’s almost worth it…greatness, keep em coming.

    (Am I the only one hoping that opponents hit the ball to RF while watching these games?)

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