Michael BaumannMichael Baumann

Recent articles by Michael Baumann

 

2015 Phillies Report Card: Luis Garcia

This is Luis Garcia. There are many like him, but this one plays for the Phillies. View image | gettyimages.com Because his is such a common name, and because I think y’all would notice if I just copy-and-pasted Corinne’s entire Elvis Araujo writeup, I’m going to figure out where Garcia ranks–not among relief pitchers, but
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2015 Phillies Report Card: Cameron Rupp

I’ve said this before, but my favorite thing about Cameron Rupp is his name. Not only does it represent him accurately as a man–“Cameron Rupp” evokes a particular kind of brawny and hirsute but nonetheless friendly personage–but it also combines two of college basketball’s most hallowed arenas: Duke’s Cameron Indoor Arena and Kentucky’s Rupp Arena. I
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2015 Phillies Report Card: Severino Gonzalez

There’s an admirable naivete to the rhetoric we use when discussing a rebuild. “Let the kids play,” we say. Or, “Let’s see what we’ve got in these young unknowns.” It’s the benevolent side of the “Every unknown player has potential” coin that, so many years ago, led Phillies fans to believe that a 26-year-old AA
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2015 Phillies Report Card: Alec Asher

Alec Asher was probably the least important component to the Cole Hamels trade. Jake Thompson, Nick Williams, and Jorge Alfaro all have some level of future star potential. Jerad Eickhoff is already pitching well in the majors, and Matt Harrison, who I keep forgetting about, might never put on a Phillies uniform, but getting out
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2015 Phillies Report Card: Jonathan Papelbon

I used to hate Jonathan Papelbon. I hated his stink of Red Sox overexposure, the Trachselian breaks he took between pitches, his suffocating semiliterate meathead overconfidence. Then came the Crotch Waggle Heard Round the World. Then he went on College GameDay, as sober as I am willing to get sued for libel for suggesting otherwise,
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2015 Phillies Report Card: Dalier Hinojosa

There’s a line I’ve always loved in The Blind Side by Michael Lewis: Before NFL GMs realized the importance of offensive line play, a lineman was an “interchangeable homunculus.” The interchangeable homunculi of baseball are right-handed middle relievers–if you’re good enough to pitch in the big leauges, but not good enough to start or close, you
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Gertrude and Anatoli

December 21, 2315 Somewhere Near the ruins of Cherry Hill, Federated Union of North America Dearest Gertrude, I write to you knowing that in all probability, you will never lay eyes on this letter. The ion storms coursing overhead leave streaks of lighting as piercing blue as your eyes and as breathtakingly beautiful as your
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Rollins Retrospective: The Team to Beat

Jimmy Rollins is my favorite player on my favorite team in the history of sports. I’ve watched him go from a name on a minor league roster to the MVP to the franchise leader in everything Mike Schmidt isn’t the franchise leader in. He’s grown up as a player as I’ve grown up as a
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Why the Phillies Can’t Trade Cole Hamels Rashly, Before I Kill Someone

This isn’t a great time to be a Phillies fan–the team has been bad for a couple years now, and will probably be bad for at least one more, and while there are a few exciting young players on the horizon, odds are the next good Phillies team will not resemble this one very closely.
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2014 Phillies Report Card: Luis Garcia

There are 25 Luis Garcias on Wikipedia. I’m surprised there aren’t more. I wouldn’t mind talking about this one, who won the Champions League with Liverpool, a little more than the Phillies’ Luis Garcia, their minor-league pitcher of the year. It’s not even remotely Garcia’s fault, but it’s impossible to discuss  him now without that
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2014 Phillies Report Card: Freddy Galvis

It feels wrong to talk about “the heady days” of 2012, but that’s appropriate in the case of Freddy Galvis. As the understudy for the injured Chase Utley, Galvis was a defensive revelation and fan favorite in a little more than two months of play at second base. He didn’t hit well at all–.226/.254/.363 in
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2014 Phillies Report Card: Jerome Williams

Hey, look, someone relevant. I’ll get to Jerome Williams‘ contract extension below the break, because Bill’s already covered it. But first, let’s look back on the season. Jerome Williams is a man-shaped lump of pitcher. He’s a former 1999 sandwich-round pick of the San Francisco Giants, and he reached the majors very quickly for a
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2014 Phillies Report Card: Cody Asche

This is where expectations become a little unkind. In absolute terms, Cody Asche‘s not that bad. In 613 plate appearances over two seasons–about a season’s worth of work for a full-time starter–he’s hit .252/.309/.390, very slightly below the National League averages in all three rate categories in that time. Despite obvious comparisons in statue, stance,
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2014 Phillies Report Card: Sean O’Sullivan

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about fate. How much of what we achieve is predetermined, and how much is the result of our own agency and conscious choices? I’d long rejected the idea of hard determinism as a philosophy, but recent events in my own life have made me reconsider. I wrote a book
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2014 Phillies Report Card: Darin Ruf

Do you remember 2012? Those glorious days when we hadn’t yet accepted what the Phillies would become? In those days, Darin Ruf was the shining light, the prospect everyone held up as the answer, the heir to Abreu, Werth and Pence as the slugging corner outfielder. That was before everyone realized that “playing well in
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Crash Bag, Vol. 112: Evaluating Ben Revere

Sorry for the service interruption–last week I was driving through Pennsyltucky en route to seeing the beloved Taney Dragons get their heads bashed in by a bunch of enormous blond kids from Nevada. Here’s what I wrote about the spectacle, in case you’re interested in reading. If not, you can just head down to the
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Crash Bag, Vol. 111: Lists and Counterfactuals

Oh, God, I’ve done 111 of these. What have I done with my life? @benafflaco: “Robin Williams was the first celebrity’s death that actually caused me sadness. I haven’t experienced this with an athlete. My question is, who of current or recent Phillies, is going to cause all teh tears, when he croaks, for our
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Crash Bag, Vol. 110: Why Bad Things Happen

@Matt_Winkelman: “Given the Phillies signing Lenin this summer, can you make a team of former and current world leaders?” (cracks knuckles) I’ll try to go easy on American presidents with common names, but my lack of knowledge of, say, obscure Italian provincial dukes is probably going to hamstring me here a little. C: Lenin Rodriguez
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Crash Bag, Vol. 109: The Utley/Halladay Buddy Film

@Dweebowitz: “How *do* they get out of the mess their stripped farm system and grotesquely overpaid geriatric lineup have become?” I can’t emphasize this enough: there is no easy fix. There is no quick fix. There is no way the Phillies can overhaul the roster and contend next year, and barring some unforeseen run of
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Crash Bag, Vol. 108: Cape Cod League

@Ut26: “What current Phillie would make the best road trip partner?” It depends on what you want out of a road trip partner. Really, it depends on what you want out of a road trip. Because if this is your cross-country vacation, you want something different than if you’re just getting from point A to
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Crash Bag, Vol. 107: WAR for Managers

@rarmstrong7777: “is there a manager equivalent to WAR? Could there be if there isn’t?” There isn’t, and there probably can’t be. The manager’s job is done largely at the margins and behind the scenes, so it’s hard to tell if, for instance, Joe Maddon bringing snakes into the clubhouse has an effect on his team’s
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Crash Bag, Vol. 106: What’s the Phillies’ Plan?

Some self-promotion before we start: not only do I have a book to flog (coming out Nov. 4, pre-order now on Amazon!), I’ve started a weekly baseball podcast with my dear friend Liz Roscher, supreme empress of our rival Phillies blog, The Good Phight. It’s called Defensive Indifference, and for those of you who kept hounding
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Crash Bag, Vol. 105: Do You Need to Know What a Plate Appearance is to be a Good GM?

@MattyMatty2000: “Completely serious: can you still be an effective GM if you don’t know the difference between a plate appearance and an at-bat?” Yeah, so apparently this is a thing Ruben Amaro has trouble with. It’s possible he misspoke, or that he’s just messing with us, but it’s troubling. I’ve written my treatise on what makes
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Crash Bag, Vol. 104: Draft Review, Hot Dogs, Book Writing

Let’s get down to it. @gberry523: “how surprised were you by the Phillies drafting only one high schooler in their first 10 (and barely any later)?” I wasn’t that surprised that they went college-heavy early, but they wound up picking college players with 27 of their first 28 picks, which is kind of nuts. I
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Crash Bag, Vol. 103: MLB Draft Live Chat

We’re doing something a little different for the Crash Bag this week–Crashburn Alley’s Prospect Impresario, Eric Longenhagen, will join me for a live-streamed chat about tomorrow night’s draft: who might go where, who we like, what the Phillies might do, and what we think the Phillies should do. Come hang out and ask questions in
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Crash Bag, Vol. 102: The Phanatic vs. Mike Trout

Ooh…ahhh…I’ve got an email…oooh…ahh @GlennQSpooner: “Any chance Phils go out of the org & choose someone w/analytics background as next GM? If so who are some possible candidates?” I don’t think they’re firing Ruben Amaro anytime soon. I’ve said it a thousand times and I’ll say it again: the current front office regime is not
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An Inventory of the Phillies’ Trade Assets

I knew you were there all along. You, who looked at the Phillies’ roster in March and squinted and convinced yourself that this team could win 80-plus games and then maybe, if everything goes right, could snag a Wild Card, and once you’re in, and you can throw a front three of Hamels, Lee and Burnett…who
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Crash Bag, Vol. 101: Phillies Draft Scenarios

Let’s start with the Question of the Week, which I’d like to rename, because Drew Magary uses that name in his Funbag column on Deadspin, so if you have a better idea, I’m all ears. This email has been edited somewhat for brevity, though Peter said a lot of really nice shit about me, for
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Crash Bag, Vol. 100: She’s Not Having It

HELLO, BOYS. I’ve finished my book, Philadelphia Phenoms: The Most Amazing Athletes to Play in the City of Brotherly Love, and so I’ve returned to other writing pursuits, which comes out November 4. If you’re the book-readin’ type, please order it on Amazon, and while you’re there, buy Bill’s book too. We actually make money off these
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Phillies Acquire Infielder Jayson Nix from the Rays

The Phillies have acquired infielder Jayson Nix from the Tampa Bay Rays for cash considerations.

 

Crash Bag, Vol. 99: Baby’s First Democratic System

Gregg Easterbrook once wrote (and I’m paraphrasing, because if I have to sift through a billion TMQ columns to find the exact wording, I will end my life, so help me God): “Writing a book is like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer: it feels so good when you stop.” I’m writing a
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Crash Bag, Vol. 98: Carrying Asche Around

I was thinking about heist movies the other day. Heist movies are one of my three favorite genres of movie, along with movies about journalistic ethics and movies where a small group of guys go to do something during World War II. Now, I’ve seen bad examples of the other two, but the worst heist
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Crash Bag, Vol. 97: Jelly is Great

Tonight, on the Crash Bag: The Phillies fail to score, a man asks a record-breaking question, and I distribute breakup advice. @asigal22: “Will the Phils be as bad in the regular season as they have been in Spring Training. I know Spring Training is stupid.” Relax. I mean, yes, the Phillies are going to be
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Crash Bag, Vol. 96: This Train

I wonder if anyone from Spain has ever written in to the blog. I’d be surprised if that was the case. Because, you know… @Bradleycs1: “what do you think AJ Burnett’s reaction to the Phillies implementing defensive shifts will be?” I know he was unhappy with the Pirates shifting last season, but he’ll deal with it,
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Crash Bag, Vol. 95: American Virtue

@jimmyfricke: “Should Phillies fans be upset about Cruz being signed for 1 year 8 mil while we’re stuck with Byrd for 2 years 16 mil” Absolutely not. Cruz is a 33-year-old power-before-hit corner outfielder who produces no value on the bases or in the field. Those guys tend to have a couple things in common:
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Crash Bag, Vol. 94: Ben Wetzler Lightning Round

NBA trade deadline, labor strife, Little Big League…we’ve got it all this week. @truelladelphia: “How great is Sam Hinkie?” Pretty great. Early in the season, I had an expectation of getting at least one first-round pick (either this year or next) for Evan Turner and Spencer Hawes, but that stopped being realistic a while ago,
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Crash Bag, Vol. 93: Bad Cherries

What up, bossman? @CrashburnAlley: “Astros are at 57.5 wins. They won 51 last year. Are you brave enough to take the over?“ I think I’ve spent more Crash Bag time on the Astros than on the Phillies in recent weeks.

 

Crash Bag, Vol. 92: Past Tense Utley

Let’s kick the tires and light the fires. @bxe1234: “Which would you most like to try: luge/skeleton/bobsled? Also, if you could two-man luge with a Phil, who would it be?” I’m terrified of speed. I’ve never gone skiing and probably will never go skiing for this reason. So I’ll take bobsled, because that’s the one
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Crash Bag, Vol. 91: Winter Storm Neymar

So I’ve been encountering a phenomenon recently where journalists gripe about how, in the context of a postgame interview, “Talk about…” isn’t a real question. And it’s not. “Talk about how Cole Hamels got out of that sixth-inning jam” is not literally a question. But I don’t know why this is an issue–beat reporting isn’t Jeopardy.
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Crash Bag, Vol. 90: Naming Your Baby

Greetings. Let’s talk about how great it is that Bobby Abreu is on the Phillies again. @Wzeiders: “how great is it that Bobby Abreu is a Phillie again, even if it’s just a fleeting dream I’m scared to wake from?” It’s pretty great, I tell ya. It’s pretty great. I try not to swear above
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Crash Bag, Vol. 89: Merciless and Unyielding

One of my Facebook friends shared a photo essay of someone discovering a 15-foot snake crawling out of their toilet. The overwhelming majority of snake-related fear porn on the internet is fake, like the one that was going around about the boa constrictor in India swallowing the town drunk whole while he was passed out,
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Crash Bag, Vol. 88: Paul Bunyan Lager

I know y’all are probably sick of hearing about the Hall of Fame, but I’ve got one last parting shot: I don’t think taking the vote away from the writers is the answer, because if you assign it to a special committee, it will concentrate power in a smaller, less empirically inclined, more reactionary group
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Why I Still Care About the Hall of Fame

This is a post that’s kind of about baseball’s Hall of Fame in which I tell you how to think and how to act. It’s a post that I should have given a title with a colon or starting with the word “On,” or incorporating a Dr. Strangelove joke–in short, the kind of title I
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Crash Bag, Vol. 87: Blizzard Shopping with Ruben Amaro

Hey, hey hey, interrogate me hey… @mdubz11: “your hall of fame ballot, opinions, etc etc” I’m shocked that nobody asked me this before now, but I guess there’s a certain point past which nobody cares about my opinion. Anyway, I answered this last year, and nobody got in, so a lot of my answers are the
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Crash Bag, Vol. 86: Basal Ganglia

I’m down to my last month or so in Madison (side note, if anyone wants to pay me to write or edit anything, I’m very much available), and let me say this: I am entirely sick of snow. We got about eight inches dumped on us in what seemed like an hour, and I’m so
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Crash Bag, Vol. 85: The Duck Blind

Bill told me, when this post was in draft mode, that I’d turned off comments. I have no idea how I did this, so I don’t know how to turn them back on, and while Bill apparently edited the post while I wasn’t looking, he might not have reenabled the comments. We’ll see how this
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Crash Bag, Vol. 84: The Burrito Emporia of Queens

Good set of questions this week, so I’ll dive right in. First from the boys at Cespedes Family Barbecue. In my Roy Halladay tribute piece on Grantland earlier this week, I called Zoo With Roy the weirdest, most passionate blog…excuse me, “bolg”…in the history of sports, but Cespedes Family Barbecue is about 94 percent as
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Why the Phillies Can’t Contend No Matter How the Offseason Shakes Out

When the Red Sox went from 69 wins to the World Series last year, it wasn’t the craziest thing in the world to ask if that blueprint–not tearing the team down, but just making a few shrewd free agent signings–could be replicated. Particularly, if the Phillies could do it. The Phillies have some payroll flexibility,
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Crash Bag, Vol. 83: I Am Easily Shamed

Let’s start things off with a furious bout of wishful thinking. @asigal22: “Is there a record this season that gets Amaro fired? If so, can he get the Phillies there?” I don’t think so. Well, let me rephrase–there is such a record, but it’s like 36-126 or something ridiculous and bad as I think the
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Crash Bag, Vol. 82: The Hanukkah of Excess

So last week I made an effort to keep the Crash Bag largely baseball-focused. This week, not so much. Sorry. @jlwoj: “is Friday Thanksgiving Kosher or does it violate everything?” I think if there’s a good reason for you to celebrate Thanksgiving on the Friday–like work or travel restrictions–then go for it. I don’t presume
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