2014 Phillies Report Card: Jayson Nix
Jayson Nix came to the plate 43 times for the Phillies in 2014, mostly in April and early May, before refusing a hard-earned assignment to AAA Lehigh Valley. After a tireless and penetrating analysis of these 43 plate appearances, on behalf of Crashburn Alley and the larger Phillies blogging community, I am prepared to defend the following conclusion: Jayson Nix was very bad.
Let’s really dig into this here. Jayson Nix, during his time with the Phillies, compiled a .154/.214/.231 slash line, for a wOBA of .207. That’s extremely bad! He also struck out in 18 of those 43 plate appearances. That’s also extremely bad! If you look at hitters in 2014 with a minimum of 40 PAs, 75 out of 625 hitters were worse than him, and that’s Justin Maxwell and probably 74 pitchers. Not definitely 74 pitchers, I mean, just looking at it, Daric Barton is down there too. So maybe 73 pitchers. I’m not going to count, because Jayson Nix isn’t worth it. He’s very bad.
You know how Zack Greinke and Gio Gonzalez made appearances for their respective teams in the playoffs this season? The gods of baseball chose to allow the Giants and Cardinals, those cesspools of rot and evil, to advance, because it was preferable to two pitchers who allowed hits to Jayson Nix (a home run in Greinke’s case!) playing in the NLCS. They, along with Martin Perez, Shawn Tolleson, Matt Garza, J.A. Happ, and Tyler Chatwood should retire in shame for allowing Nix to reach base during his Phillies tenure.
Probing the earth-shattering badness of Jayson Nix’s 43 Phillies plate appearances is beyond the scope of today’s advanced statistical analysis tool kit. Fortunately I found a more appropriate resource: A Comparative Study of Methods of Examining Feces for Evidences of Parasitism by Maurice Crowther (U.S. Department of Agriculture, 1912). Crowther offers several useful methodologies for deriving meaning from a big pile of shit:
A quantity of feces is diluted with water, 1 in 10, and strained through gauze to get rid of coarse particles. What comes through is centrifuged, the fluid poured off, the centrifuge tube refilled and .the fresh material and the old sediment centrifuged again, thereby constantly adding to the total sediment, until all the diluted feces have been used. The sediment is rewashed several times until all matter that can be washed out in this manner is removed. Then a calcium chlorid solution of a specific gravity of 1.050 is substituted for the water. This disposes of everything having a specific gravity below 1.050, and the sediment may be examined at this point. If much sediment remains, the heavier matter may be removed by cen- trifuging with a calcium chlorid solution having a specific gravity of 1.250. In this solution the eggs come to the top and a few drops from the surface may be removed and examined, or, better, some of the top fluid may be poured off, diluted with water sufficiently to bring the specific gravity below 1.050, and centrifuged. The sediment will now contain most of the eggs that were in the original amount of feces and may all be put on a slide and examined.
I don’t know what the hell most of this means, but I printed out Jayson Nix’s Baseball Reference page and put it in a blender with some of my dog’s poop and will soon be submitting the result for peer review — that he’s very, very bad. If there is any minor consolation for the Phillies it’s that he was even worse for the Pirates, who picked him up on August 3rd and allowed him to compile a .111/.158/.111 line in 39 plate appearances before realizing what a horrible mistake they had made. Let’s all agree to just forget this whole thing happened and pretend that Laynce was the last Nix to ever make a Phillies roster.
Grade: F. No, wait, F-. Screw it, J.