2014 Phillies Report Card: Jayson Nix

Jayson Nix came to the plate 43 times for the Phillies in 2014, mostly in April and early May, before refusing a hard-earned assignment to AAA Lehigh Valley. After a tireless and penetrating analysis of these 43 plate appearances, on behalf of Crashburn Alley and the larger Phillies blogging community, I am prepared to defend the following conclusion: Jayson Nix was very bad.

Let’s really dig into this here. Jayson Nix, during his time with the Phillies, compiled a .154/.214/.231 slash line, for a wOBA of .207. That’s extremely bad! He also struck out in 18 of those 43 plate appearances. That’s also extremely bad! If you look at hitters in 2014 with a minimum of 40 PAs, 75 out of 625 hitters were worse than him, and that’s Justin Maxwell and probably 74 pitchers. Not definitely 74 pitchers, I mean, just looking at it, Daric Barton is down there too. So maybe 73 pitchers. I’m not going to count, because Jayson Nix isn’t worth it. He’s very bad.

You know how Zack Greinke and Gio Gonzalez made appearances for their respective teams in the playoffs this season? The gods of baseball chose to allow the Giants and Cardinals, those cesspools of rot and evil, to advance, because it was preferable to two pitchers who allowed hits to Jayson Nix (a home run in Greinke’s case!) playing in the NLCS. They, along with Martin Perez, Shawn Tolleson, Matt Garza, J.A. Happ, and Tyler Chatwood should retire in shame for allowing Nix to reach base during his Phillies tenure.

Probing the earth-shattering badness of Jayson Nix’s 43 Phillies plate appearances is beyond the scope of today’s advanced statistical analysis tool kit. Fortunately I found a more appropriate resource: A Comparative Study of Methods of Examining Feces for Evidences of Parasitism by Maurice Crowther (U.S. Department of Agriculture, 1912). Crowther offers several useful methodologies for deriving meaning from a big pile of shit:

A quantity of feces is diluted with water, 1 in 10, and strained through gauze to get rid of coarse particles. What comes through is centrifuged, the fluid poured off, the centrifuge tube refilled and .the fresh material and the old sediment centrifuged again, thereby constantly adding to the total sediment, until all the diluted feces have been used. The sediment is rewashed several times until all matter that can be washed out in this manner is removed. Then a calcium chlorid solution of a specific gravity of 1.050 is substituted for the water. This disposes of everything having a specific gravity below 1.050, and the sediment may be examined at this point. If much sediment remains, the heavier matter may be removed by cen- trifuging with a calcium chlorid solution having a specific gravity of 1.250. In this solution the eggs come to the top and a few drops from the surface may be removed and examined, or, better, some of the top fluid may be poured off, diluted with water sufficiently to bring the specific gravity below 1.050, and centrifuged. The sediment will now contain most of the eggs that were in the original amount of feces and may all be put on a slide and examined.

I don’t know what the hell most of this means, but I printed out Jayson Nix’s Baseball Reference page and put it in a blender with some of my dog’s poop and will soon be submitting the result for peer review — that he’s very, very bad. If there is any minor consolation for the Phillies it’s that he was even worse for the Pirates, who picked him up on August 3rd and allowed him to compile a .111/.158/.111 line in 39 plate appearances before realizing what a horrible mistake they had made. Let’s all agree to just forget this whole thing happened and pretend that Laynce was the last Nix to ever make a Phillies roster.

Grade: F. No, wait, F-. Screw it, J.

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  1. Major Malfunction

    October 13, 2014 08:13 AM

    What’s even more disturbing is that even after the Pirates let that tire fire go, the Royals picked him up!! 3 teams in 1 year simply because he could play average to below average defense in multiple spots. Is the lack of players who know what hand the glove goes on that bad in baseball?

    Regardless, Nix did not disappoint when he went to the Royals. 8 ABs, 6 Ks, 0 hits. Although he somehow did manage to hit a sacrifice fly and a plate a run.

    3 of the last 5 season his bat avg was .169 or lower. And he refused to go to AAA because it was “beneath” him, I suppose? I feel sorry for the guy at this point.

    • Chris S.

      October 13, 2014 09:53 AM

      Either he felt AAA was beneath him or the more likely answer was that he didn’t want to get embarrassed in AAA too and have to be sent to AA or maybe even A.

    • Bob

      October 13, 2014 11:27 AM

      “Is the lack of players who know what hand the glove goes on that bad in baseball?”

      Yes, defense is very important, and it’s tough to find bench players who can play multiple infield positions. The Phillies were counting on Galvis to start the year in this role. But he contracted MRSA, and they had no one else that could play 2B/SS. It led to some last minute roster shuffling to start the season. The Phillies could not start the season with older players who had injury histories without someone who could fill in in a pinch.

  2. Dante

    October 13, 2014 08:07 AM

    Someone drew the short straw and wasn’t happy about it.

  3. bubba0101

    October 13, 2014 12:27 PM

    You spent entirely too much time on this.

  4. Andrew Cleveland Alexander

    October 13, 2014 05:15 PM

    Y oh Y do the Phillies keep signing Nix brothers?

  5. edwin

    October 14, 2014 04:42 AM

    This is not funny.

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