2013 Phillies Report Card: Laynce Nix

On Monday, I sneezed and somehow wound up with snot on my forehead. This concludes the Crashburn Alley review of Laynce Nix.

  • Apparently I’m supposed to write more than 32 words, so here goes. Laynce Nix fills me with such overpowering, debilitating ennui that I can’t muster the strength to write about him in full paragraphs, so you’re getting a bulleted list.
  • In fact, he fills me with such overpowering ennui I can’t write in full paragraphs about much of anything anymore. I was going to make some headway on the Crash Bag tonight, maybe knock out some Sixers season preview stuff while I was at it, and now all I want to do is crawl into my bathtub and die.
  • I do not own a bathtub.
  • Laynce Nix has played for five teams in 11 seasons. He’s been traded once, as part of a pu pu platter offer Jon Daniels sent to Milwaukee for Nelson Cruz and Carlos Lee.
  • In nine seasons before the Phillies signed him, Laynce Nix had been worth 4.2 WAR. He’d never batted more than 400 times in a season.
  • If I had to compare Laynce Nix to a Star Wars character, I’d have to say he’s Dak. You remember Dak, right? He was Luke’s gunner with Rogue Squadron during the Battle of Hoth. He had about five lines, and while he seemed like a nice guy, he only had a name so you could feel momentary sorrow when Luke got shot down and couldn’t get Dak out of the speeder in time before the AT-AT stepped on it.
  • Poor Dak.
  • Well, maybe not, because Dak didn’t have to suffer through Laynce Nix’s Phillies career. .246/.315/.412 in 2012, which is fine, I guess. I mean, I proposed that Andrelton Simmons should get MVP votes for a slash line not unlike that one…except, oh wait, Simmons is the best defensive shortstop in the game and Laynce Nix is a corner outfielder. He is, to use my new favorite word, an execrable corner outfielder.
  • And then in 2013, he hit .180/.228/.258. Setting a baseline of 10 PA, would you like to know how many pitchers equaled or bettered Nix’s output in not just one but all three of the triple slash categories?
  • Fourteen.
  • Three of them were Dodgers.
  • Laynce Nix is not a pitcher. He’s a first baseman/corner outfielder.
  • Before the 2012 season, Laynce Nix’s average season was a .244/.288/.430 slash line in 200 PA. Players like that grow on trees.
  • Literally–I have a Beefy Fourth Outfielder Oak in my backyard.
  • I love you, Beefy Fourth Outfielder Oak.
  • B4OFO: I love you too, Baumann.
  • Ruben Amaro decided that such a player as this was worth not just one but two guaranteed years in the free agent market.
  • Laynce Nix is like sneezing and getting snot on your forehead.

Grade: F

Bill Paul Eric Ryan

Leave a Reply



  1. MattWinks

    October 03, 2013 10:16 AM

    And Laynce Nix caused the Phillies to non-tender Nate Schierholtz, who isn’t exactly a Hall of Famer but certainly a more useful player than Nix.

  2. agam22

    October 03, 2013 12:00 PM

    Laynce Nix is very much like Dak, he has no approach vector, he’s not set

  3. Kevin

    October 03, 2013 12:02 PM

    Nix is like sneezing and getting snot on your forehead and then having there for 263 games while everyone laughs at you.

  4. bubba0101

    October 03, 2013 03:48 PM

    The Schierholtz thing hurts. It eventually turned into the amorphous blob known as Delmon Young spending valuable time on our team. I know he hit a homerun last night but it looked like his cheeks were filled with donuts. Maybe we should have stuffed him with more donuts and he would have played better.

  5. Smitty

    October 03, 2013 04:26 PM

    Hey Bubba…you’re talking about the perennial NL/AL Post-Season MVP….maybe he finished off the donuts….stay tuned for more bombs !

  6. Jon Cheddar

    October 03, 2013 05:35 PM

    I’m pretty sure Dak was dead when the speeder crashed, Baumann.

  7. Michael Baumann

    October 03, 2013 10:04 PM

    See, I thought the fact that Luke tried to get him out meant that Dak wasn’t dead, but was only resting.
    But Wookieepedia seems to confirm that Dak was killed by the laser blast, so I’ll concede the point.

  8. Matt

    October 03, 2013 11:27 PM


  9. Paul E

    October 04, 2013 07:29 AM

    Amaro is a dope. Plain and simple…….

  10. Evan

    October 04, 2013 09:23 AM

    @bubba…look at it this way: if Schierholtz was still on the Phils, the Phils may have won a few more games and they wouldn’t have the draft pick protection. So…thanks RAJ?

  11. Stupid is as Stupid Does

    October 04, 2013 02:16 PM

    I popped a woody when I hear mini Mart was released!

  12. Larry

    October 04, 2013 11:02 PM

    “Laynce Nix is like sneezing and getting snot on your forehead.”

    LOL, this was a funny article.

    He really did suck bad this season. However, since no one uses F+ as a grade, I might have to give him a D-, just because of his April, where Bill gave him a B rating, which I agree with.


    So 1/6 of the season he was good…..but yeah he was definitely snot on your forehead. I can’t wait to see what you write about Mini Mart. You certainly drew some fun players where you can be very creative. I don’t know if you requested them or not. I give you an A for the article.

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