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Crash Bag, Vol. 73: Did You Mean Felman Shrung?

Posted By Michael Baumann On September 27, 2013 @ 7:35 am In Crabshurn Urly,Crash Bag,Guest Post,Philadelphia Phillies,Potpourri,Talking about feelings | 6 Comments

Greetings, Crash Bag readers. I am not Michael Baumann. I’m Liz Roscher, Supreme Blog Mistress over at The Good Phight, and I’m filling in for Baumann this week. He still loves you all very much, though. At least that’s what he said. He could have been lying.

On to the questions!

@ilrosso_: Can you describe the Phillies season in a series of Project Runway gifs?

Project Runway is probably my second favorite reality competition show on TV right now. There’s no eating of nasty things, no surviving on an island for 30 days (or as long as other people can stand you), no singing, no housewives, no hoarding, no ducks, and no creepy tiny beauty queens. The contestants make clothes, and they live and die on their talent. Heidi Klum is gorgeous and marvelously, bluntly German. Tim Gunn is wise and fatherly, if your father wore impeccable suits and dispensed brilliant fashion advice.

Project Runway is about fashion and there is almost no overlap with sports. One season they did design costumes for WWE wrestler women, and then there was the season where they had to design a suit for former football player and noted tiny man Tiki Barber. But while there is a dearth of sports, there is no shortage of DRAMA. Fights, breakdowns, crying jags, temper tantrums, back talking, and endless reaction shots of judges looking at singularly ugly clothing. So, @ilrosso_, I absolutely can describe the Phillies season in a series of Project Runway gifs, owing to the intense DRAMA that makes up every single episode.

The Phillies traded for who? Michael Young? Is there another Michael Young that I’m not aware of that is not the Michael Young from Texas? Did the Phillies trade for that guy? And I’m sorry, you must have been misspeaking or having some kind of catastrophic brain event. I could have sworn you said the Phillies signed Delmon Young. Did you mean Felmon Shrung? Helman Lung? Grelman Mrung? Any of those made up guys are better than Delmon Young. I’m sorry, my brain is exploding. Please excuse me. (gif courtesy of bitcherific.tumblr.com)

Wait, what happened here. I thought this was going to be the start that Cole Hamels stopped having the early season rusty out of practice jitters or whatever it is I hope he has. But it’s the end of May and I got up from the couch to get a beer and when I came back Hamels had vomited up a bunch of runs again. Can’t I just get up for  one second to get another cold refreshing adult beverage without an avalanche of runs crushing Cole Hamels to death? (gif courtesy of hoyabetches.tumblr.com)

Thanks, Phillies, for crushing what little hope I had left with your post All-Star break torrent of suck. (gif courtesy of peoplecallmethings.tumblr.com)

I’m sorry, Jonathan Papelbon, why are you opening that hole in your face and allowing the thoughts in your head to come out of your pie hole? Stop blowing saves and stop being a dingus. And also talking. Stop talking. (gif courtesy of mrhankey.tumblr.com)

CHASE UTLEY SIGNED AN EXTENSION! I’M SO HAPPY! OH, HERE COME THE TEARS! I’M CRYING HAPPY CHASE UTLEY TEARS. OF HAPPINESS. I’M A MESS. BUT I’M SO HAPPY! (gif courtesy of thelibraryisnowopen.tumblr.com)

This baseball season is still going on. Someone help me. (gif courtesy of littleprojectrunwaythings.tumblr.com)

The season is over! Awkward, wide eyed hugs for everyone! (gif courtesy of littleprojectrunwaythings.tumblr.com)

@gberry523: Who would be the winning Phillie if the whole team was on RuPaul’s Drag Race?

I’m going to assume that most people aren’t aware of RuPaul’s Drag Race, which is my absolute favorite reality show. It is a drag queen competition hosted by the unbelievably awesome RuPaul, and it’s on the TV network Logo (which you probably get but don’t know it). It’s pretty much Project Runway for drag queens, only the challenges are much more diverse. Sometimes they have to make an outfit, but not out of fabric — they have to use fake dollar bills with RuPaul’s face on them. Or write and record a bizarre pop song. Or pick a celebrity to impersonate and do a weird version of the old game show The Match Game (appropriately called The Snatch Game). Once, they were each given a random object and they had to film an exercise infomercial with it. Each episode features a runway show of the queens in their most fabulous drag, and they are judged upon that as well as their performance in the earlier challenge. To decide who goes home each episode, the two worst queens must lip-sync for their lives. That’s exactly what it sounds like. They have to lip-sync to a pre-chosen song in front of the judging panel. Whoever does the best gets to stay. Not all of them are great, but some of them are seriously, truly epic. The whole show is campy and hilarious, but each drag queen works incredibly hard and takes their craft very seriously. (You also get to learn drag queen lingo which you can use in approximately zero other situations.) Every episode ends with RuPaul saying “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love someone else? Can I get an amen?” and then there’s a dance party. It’s pretty much the best.

So as you can see, this show absolutely lends itself to integration with baseball! Ok, it doesn’t. But I’m going to pretend it does.

Trying to involve the entire team in this marvelous exercise is a little intimidating since there are about 78 players on the roster right now, so I’m going to pick 10 Phillies players and make them imaginary contestants on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Cliff Lee — His “whatever” attitude didn’t sit well with the judges, so he was eliminated first. His wig was fabulous, but his lip-sync was lacking.

Roy Halladay — His can-do attitude and generous personality were loved by all, but it was a team challenge and Roy threw himself under the metaphorical bus rather than let the whole team take the heat. Their campy sci-fi script simply wasn’t good enough.

Jonathan Papelbon — He kept doing this weird little jig down the runway. The first time, it was cute because the theme was schoolgirl chic and he was wearing a kilt. The kilt, which was to his knees, made his legs look stumpy, but the dance was so darn cute! The second time, it was puzzling because the theme was Elizabethan realness and he was still wearing that kilt. The third time it was just annoying and stupid. Plus, in his lip-sync, he didn’t even try. He just stood there and did that ridiculous jig.

Ryan Howard — It’s hard to find drag queen clothes for such a big guy. And he’s not much with a needle and thread. Asked to make an evening gown out of Christmas ornaments, he used just a handful of those round, shiny ornaments and placed them… strategically. Creative, but not an evening gown. And it had to be heavily censored.

Chase Utley — He tried so very hard on every single challenge. Everyone knew not to talk to him while he was working. It was his reluctance to answer questions during the judging that put him in the bottom two. His serious, intense attitude during the lip-sync didn’t help, especially since the song was Madonna’s “Like A Virgin”.

Chooch — He came pre-nicknamed for the competition, and his adorability always scored major points with the judges. But he stumbled during the dancing challenge. Literally. He was a horrible dancer, and during a leg kick he fell backward off the stage. But boy, could he ever work a pair of stilettos.

Jimmy Rollins — His swag took him as far as it could take him. He had flair, he had attitude, and with one comment he could quiet his detractors while making them laugh. But there was no hiding his singing ability, and his verse of the group song was unlistenable. But he sure looked good in a corset.

Michael Stutes — His sassy walk made every runway a pleasure, as did his flowing locks. He made it to the final three and lost in the first ever three-way lip-sync. When your only strengths are nice hair and a good walk, you’re just not good enough to win RuPaul’s Drag Race: Phillies Season.

Ben Revere — When it came time for him to pick a celebrity for The Snatch Game, he knew who he had to choose. His Beyonce was a winner. “If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it!” he sang, wiggling his shoulders. His gowns were fabulous, his lip-syncs near flawless, but in the end, he couldn’t beat the ultimate, final winner.

Cole Hamels — I mean have you seen him walk the runway? He owns it. He owns the runway and everything around it. The man has the self-assurance to carry a fluffy purse dog in a backpack. Not just around the house, but out in public in front of people. There’s nothing he can’t do.

@ut26: Braves players as movie villains.

This is a really great question that don’t have the expertise to answer. I love movies, but I don’t watch them often. But I wanted to mention that this question is awesome and say that Baumann should answer it next week.

@threwouttime: Phillies player from 09-13 you wish won a WS?

It’s Roy Halladay, hands down. The other Phillies players I care most about got their rings in 2008. And I feel like Cliff Lee could be traded to a contender next year and win it with a team that’s not the Phillies. But looking at Halladay now and what’s happened to him, I can’t help but think that his chance is gone. As Bill wrote a few days ago, he never got his moment of ecstatic celebration. He got two others with his perfect game and no-hitter, but those aren’t the same. And that is why I still hate the Giants and the Cardinals. They got in the Phillies’ way. Yes, you could say that it was the Phillies fault because their offense was flaccid and they forgot how to hit baseballs, but I don’t want to say it’s their fault. I want to blame the Giants and the Cardinals because otherwise, I’d have to hate the team I love. I mean, I do already sort of hate them, but not an all-consuming “YOU STOLE WORLD SERIES GLORY FROM US” kind of way. I hate the Phillies in the “you’re my favorite team and you’re so very bad, why are you all so bad, please stop being bad, oh god you’re not going to stop being bad, I hate this” kind of way. That’s a kinder, gentler, less permanent sort of hatred. Yes, I like to hold pointless grudges, why do you ask?

@CrashburnAlley: If you were going to show up a pitcher — and piss off Brian McCann — after socking a dinger, what would you do?

First, I’d admire my home run. But I wouldn’t just stare at it blankly as it went over the fence. I’d really fondle the arc of the ball with my eyes. Let my gaze caress its landing spot. I’d extend my ear towards the air so I could fully take in the sound of the crowd, whether they’re booing or ecstatically cheering. I’d savor the moment. And then, with a sweep of my arm, I would do an enthusiastic Rockette kick all around the bases. Ideally, it would end with me “accidentally” kicking McCann in the groin. Then, I would outstretch my arms, take a grand bow, and walk into the dugout, where my teammates are losing their freaking minds because my home run trot was so amazing.

@thegreyking: In a world where the Phils can win it all in the near future, which teams would you most like to see them defeat along the way?

Ahh, this lies in the answer to an earlier question. Or most of it. I’d like for the Phillies to beat the Cardinals and the Giants, both preferably in embarrassing fashion. With the Giants, it’s mostly symbolic. They had a terrible 2013 with most of the guys they won the World Series with just one year ago. So this could be ongoing, or they could snap out of it. It’s the Giants, you can never be too careful. With the Cardinals, it’s far more than symbolic. They have an insane farm system and they are also really good right this moment. That’s just unfair. And I know that just beating a team doesn’t mean you’re better overall. But it sure would feel great anyway.

While I sort of want the Phillies to beat the Braves in the postseason (I always love when the Phillies beat the Braves), I think the best punishment for them is to not even make the playoffs. It’s not like many of their fans would notice anyway.

@longenhagen: Grade the following beards on the 20-80 scale and provide some explanation for your evaluations: B. Affleck, K. Frandsen, R. Gosling, M. Baumann, E. Longenhagen and one of your choosing (not Brian Wilson or Josh Reddick)

Swell question, Eric!

30 – Eric Longenhagen: I’m sorry, ok! I’m sorry. But in the picture you posted on twitter, you just had a mustache! (A bad ass mustache, but still!) How can I give that a grade above any of the other guys who have full, glorious beards? I shouldn’t even be giving that a grade, since it’s not technically a beard! Consider yourself lucky, mister, or next time your actions will have serious oh god I’m sorry, I lapsed into my high school math teacher for a minute there.

35 – Ryan Gosling: Why would you do this to me, Eric? Why? It’s just unfair. Ryan Gosling is sexy as hell, especially when he has a full beard, but the other beards on this list are beyond fantastic. In that department, you just can’t compete.

50 – Michael Baumann: He asked me to fill in for him this week, so I can’t very well rate him lower than Ryan Gosling. Baumann has a better beard than Ryan Gosling. It doesn’t matter if it isn’t true. It matters that I said it.

60 – Kevin Frandsen: If Frandsen would just keep the beard, he would have a better rating. Because it’s an A+ beard, but how can I give it an A+ if it isn’t there all the time? And he looks kind of demented with a beard that’s growing in. But when the beard is displayed proudly on his face, the man looks like a freaking lumberjack. He should be chopping down trees and wearing red flannel plaid and saving innocent maidens from the wild pine wilderness.

70 – Ben Affleck: I’m not sure I can adequately describe how much I love the way Affleck looks in Argo. I really love the movie and Affleck with a full beard and 70s hair just improved it. Here he is with beard and floppy hair looking very pensive. And here he is getting into a car and looking pensive, also with beard and hair. Here he is making a weird excited face with the beard but normal hair. It’s a beard for all seasons and hairstyles!

75 – Jon Hamm: Jon Hamm has a beard. Everyone else automatically loses.

(Baumann Note: Thanks to Liz and Bill for taking over in my absence. Regularly scheduled service resumes next week.)


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