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The Wednesday Ten: Doubles Will Find Me

So, the Ten is a day late. And Paul Boye, your usual curator, is out of pocket, so I will be pulling together your Tuesday Wednesday 10 today. Plenty happening with the Phillies and around the league, so let’s get right into it.

10. Delmon Young plays the sport of baseball professionally (for money) in an organization known as Major League Baseball

OK, look. This isn’t that bad. Sure, there are countless other .gifs documenting Delmon’s tragilarious defense in the outfield, but that one hit off the wall! He could’ve played it better, or gotten to it quicker, but it bounced kinda funkily. It’s not like he botched a routine fly there. And, more importantly, it’s not as if the Phillies signed Delmon to be early-2000s Andruw Jones in the outfield; he’s here for his stick. He’s a role player, and it’s unfair to- actually, now that I’m looking at it, he’s hitting .214/.292/.393 in 65 plate appearances. That’s really bad. I mean, it’s only 65 plate appearances, and it’s not like the Phillies bet the house on him, but dang. He’d better pull some kind of streak together quickly.

9. Man, I’ll tell you, that Chase Utley fellow can reall

No, wait, I’m not done with this. .214/.292/.393, that’s a .685 OPS. This dude is in Ty Wigginton territory. Actually, he’s orchestrated a full-scale land invasion of Ty Wigginton territory, planted the flag in the capital, and is marshaling his troops for an assault on the Republic of Mike Martinez. OK, only 65 PA, coming off of an ankle injury. But since when is Delmon Young the guy you exercise patience with? Wasn’t he one of those “low-risk” and “high-reward” signings I’ve heard travelers from other markets sing tales of? Take a chance, then cut him loose? Well the results are in! He’s still really bad. Strap him to the rocket.

8. Cole Hamels run support factoid roundup. Here are some rounded up factoids about Cole Hamels’ run su

Come to think of it, about the only thing that Delmon has done so far was hit a home run in his first plate appearance back, and then, presumably, stay un-fat enough to get paid more money (and I guess he dingered last night or whatever). Remember when it was March, and he whined feebly about having to practice the sport of baseball in less-than-optimal weather? I am by no means the “attitude police” type of spectator, but, cheese and crackers, how must he regard his profession if he has to be bribed like a child just to stay in good enough of shape to play it? Think about that.

7. Mike Adams‘ rehab deets! Here is the low-down. The skinny. Please say something about Mike Ada

I mean seriously, just look at that. Notice how Nellie Fox, Harold Baines, and Luke Appling, just chilling in portrait form on the left field wall, have to watch Baby Huey make a pathetic farce out of the game they dedicated 61 combined seasons to — a game that Delmon could hardly be bothered to put effort into if it were early Spring and there were a chance his nipples could chafe.

6. Carlos Ruiz to the disabled list! He has a hurty spot on his leg and cannot play the game of baseball! For the Phillies!

There was no possibility of a DH rule for the National League this year, right? No chance that Bud Selig would suddenly insert that into the rulebook on like, March 30th? Because I can’t fathom how Ruben Amaro thought Young could be serviceable in a Major League outfield. His route-running makes Darin Ruf look like a GPS unit with legs. What on earth was the — oh, yes, I remember. It’s because he’s playing right field now. That’s much better. Waddling about the open field and hoping for Ben Revere to bail you out is a lot easier to do on the right side of the field! Because reasons! Is that what the scouts said? Amaro and the front office in general have been very clear that it’s their scouts that they trust with the most important evaluations, to the exclusion of distractions like math and data.

5. Paul is a lot better at this. I work hard at these prompts and I feel like you’re not even payi

So I assume, then, that some plurality of the Phillies’ big league scouting team got together and concluded “hey! That guy. That guy right there. The one who rivals Richard Nixon in both outfield range and antisemitism. You know what his problem is? Wrong side of the field. If he stands on THIS side of the almost-completely-symmetrical field, and not that other side, he’ll be able to catch baseballs instead of making playful pirouettes and kicking them to other parts of the field, and attend Passover Seder quietly and respectfully instead of screaming about George Soros.” This is one of several things that literally must have happened in order for Delmon Young to end up on the Phillies. Someone had to watch Delmon Young “play outfield” and conclude he was qualified to do anything other than choreograph a ballet about motor dyspraxia, if only he would switch sides.

4. Stop! Hey! What about, like, this .gif?

Here I fixed that for you:

3. Heh, well, guess it’s time to wrap up the Ten a bit early eh? Please?

It’s not as if the Phillies were set to cruise easily to an NL East title, either. It was abundantly clear this offseason that the Phillies were on the fringe of contention, and depended on a lot of things going just the right way to improve upon last year. Non-tendering Nate Schierholtz was weird, wasn’t it? I mean, he’s no great shake, but that guy can play in the field for sure. He could’ve made a useful platoon partner probably. How is that guy doing?

2. Well, he’s hitting .285/.321/.520 in 132 PA, but you can’t really expect-

Great. Awesome. So our arb-eligible-but-cheap option that we cut loose is off to a hot start, and the guy that we’re paying not to be fat is probably going to keep playing anyway, hit most of his incentives, and walk away with $2.2 million or so.

1. That’s not totally fair. It’s only May.

Shut up, prompter.