The Betancourt Power Rankings

With the Phillies’ dynasty fixing to end with an impotent whimpering of clueless old men the like of which we haven’t seen since the fall of the Soviet Union, it’s easy to forget about the little things.

Like, I’d completely forgotten that the Phillies had signed Yuniesky Betancourt. It’s easy to forget that Yuniesky Betancourt is on the Phillies when the season is only theoretical. But now, Yuniesky Betancourt has put on a Phillies uniform and played baseball in it, which leads me to consider the following:

Yuniesky Betancourt does nothing well on a baseball diamond. He does not hit, he does not field, he does not run, he does not scrap or grind or any of the other uncomfortable-sounding actions we ascribe to white people who are showy about how much effort they put into the game. Never mind that if they weren’t so unmistakably awful at baseball, they wouldn’t have to try so hard and we wouldn’t be in a constant state of “No, but seriously, man, he’s helping the team win, I promise.”

I’m looking at you, Ryan Theriot.

The point is, Yuniesky Betancourt is a Huxleyan Epsilon among ballplayers. But what if we compare him to a different group of which he is a subset? We know roughly where Yuni stacks up against baseball players, but how does he compare to other Betancourts?

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