In case you missed it, Ryan Howard hit a home run. Against a left-handed reliever. To put the Phillies ahead against the Mets in the top of the 9th inning. It was awesome. It did this to the win probability graph:
The reaction from Mets fans, however, was less than warm. Thanks to the official Twitter account of The Good Phight, it has come to our attention that not only are Mets fans generally (and justifiably) upset at The Big Piece himself, but more specifically at his notoriously large nose. The level of discourse, however, has been disappointing–not much beyond hurling expletives at Ryan Howard and declaring his nose to be big.
Boy, a bunch of uncreative, boorish villains making obvious and dull comments about a hero’s large nose? I feel like I’ve seen this one before.
Ah, yes! That’s right. So this is the part where Ryan Howard takes up the challenge:
What? How? You accuse me of absurdity? Small my nose? Why magnificent, my nose! You pug, you knob, you button-head, know that I glory in this nose of mine, for a great nose indicates a great man: Genial, courteous, intellectual, virile, courageous as I am and such as you poor wretch will never dare to be even in imagination.
Of course, in the play, Cyrano de Bergerac finds the man who says his nose is “rather large,” coins several more clever insults, then challenges the man to a duel and stabs him to death while composing a poem.
So because Howard is not here to defend his own nasal integrity, allow me to play the surrogate Cryano to Mets fans’ Vicomte de Valvert. Here are twenty better insults about Ryan Howard’s nose.
- Spatial: Ryan Howard’s nose is bigger than Jon Rauch.
- Aesthetic: Ryan Howard’s nose is uglier than Jon Rauch’s tattoos.
- Narcotic: Dwight Gooden would have died long ago if his nose were as big as Ryan Howard’s.
- Financial: Fred Wilpon would have spotted Ryan Howard the cash for a rhinoplasty, but then Bernie Madoff came along.
- Rhetorical: I betcha Ryan Howard’s nose expels more hot air than Mike Francesca.
- Zoological: Between Ryan Howard’s nose and David Wright‘s ears, we’re halfway to building an anteater.
- Biomechanical: Ryan Howard’s nose is so big Oliver Perez could hit it with a baseball.
- Lovesick: Ryan Howard’s nose is as big as the hole Jose Reyes left in the Mets’ infield.
- Comparative: Sure, that home run was out of Citi Field. It wouldn’t’ve been out of Ryan Howard’s nose.
- Literary: Ryan Howard must have said the Mets were good an awful lot.
- Anatomical: Ryan Howard’s nose is longer than Daryl Strawberry’s neck.
- Regretful: Bobby Bonilla’s contract is almost as sad as Ryan Howard’s nose.
- Analytical: Ryan Howard’s nose is so fat, even Steve Phillips wouldn’t have traded Kevin Appier for him.
- Romantic: Ryan Howard’s nose is so ugly, even Jeromy Burnitz wouldn’t have talked to it at a bar.
- Respiratory: Jon Niese could have just swapped.
- Facial: Ryan Howard couldn’t have a beard like R.A. Dickey‘s–there’s just not enough room left on his face.
- Aromatic: The Mets stink. Ryan Howard was the first to know.
- Athletic: What’s the only thing that runs worse than Ryan Howard’s nose? Jason Bay.
- Sabermetric: Ryan Howard’s nose’s fWAR is higher than Johan Santana‘s this season.
- Inquisitive: Someone ask Ryan Howard’s nose what it feels like to be a bigger waste of space than Omar Minaya.
Go Phillies. Screw the Mets. Go read Cyrano de Bergerac. Or watch Roxanne. But seriously, screw the Mets.