Ruben Amaro Teaches Chad Qualls to Miss Bats
Bill wrote earlier today about Chad Qualls being designated for assignment. I know that many of you have taken comfort and joy from being rid of Qualls, but none more so than Phillies GM Ruben Amaro, Jr. I know many of you do as well, even though, as I write this, Kyle Kendrick has just given up back-to-back home runs to Casey McGehee and Pedro Alvarez in the first inning, so I have a feeling the public anger may not have abated quite so much.
Therefore, it is with great pride I submit to you the transcript of the conversation that took place between Qualls, Amaro, and Phillies assistant GM Benny Looper. As you’ll see, Amaro cashiered Qualls in quite an interesting fashion.(Chad Qualls gives up home run)
Qualls: For the blood of the Phillies!
Looper: Ruben! Get down! (Looper tackles Qualls as home run ball hits Amaro in the shoulder. Amaro falls over.)
Scott Proefrock: Somebody’s popped the general manager!
Amaro: AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH! (Looper wrestles baseball away from Qualls and hits him with it. Amaro struggles to his feet.)
Amaro: Whose pitcher are you? Speak smart and speak up.
Amaro: What’s he saying, boy?
Looper: I think he’s making his peace with his agent.
Amaro: To hell with that. He makes his peace with me. (Amaro crouches over Qualls and draws a piece of paper from his briefcase.) I’m making the phone calls around here tonight, you gopher-balling, washed-up reliever. Whose pitcher are you? We miss bats in this bullpen–whose pitcher are you? Do you see this release order? I’m going to teach you to miss bats with this release order. Whose pitcher are you? WHOSE PITCHER ARE YOU?
(Qualls slumps back, dead. Amaro stands.)
Amaro: Well that didn’t help us win very many games. Fine bullpen arm. Shame about it, I don’t think it can be mended.