Considering that Carlos Ruiz was thrown out of tonight’s game without ever seeming to lose his cool, I was interested to know what, exactly, Chooch said to home plate umpire Gary Cederstrom to warrant, as they say in soccer, a booking for dissent. I imagine the exchange went something like this:
Carlos Ruiz: I wonder that you will still be calling balls, Signior Cederstrom: nobody marks you.
Gary Cederstrom: What, my dear Catcher Disdain! Are you yet living?
Ruiz: Is it possible disdain should die while he hath such meet food to feed it as Signior Cederstrom? Srikedom itself must convert to balldom, if you come in his presence.
Cederstrom: Then is strikedom a turncoat. But it is certain I am loved of all catchers, only you excepted: and I would I could find in my heart that I had not a hard heart; for, truly, I love none.
Ruiz: A dear happiness to catchers: they would else have been troubled with a pernicious umpire. I thank God and my cold blood, I am of your humour for that: I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than an umpire swear he saw a strike.
Cederstrom: God keep your catchership still in that mind! So some umpire or other shall ‘scape a predestinate scratched face.
Ruiz: Scratching could not make it worse, an ’twere such a face as yours were.
Cederstrom: Well, you are a rare parrot-teacher.
Ruiz: A bird of my strike zone judgment is better than a beast of yours.
Cederstrom: I would my horse had the speed of your tongue, and so good a continuer. But keep your way, i’ God’s name; I eject thee.
Ruiz: You always end with a jade’s trick: I know you of old.