Glengarry Greg Gross

The Phillies are run-averse at the moment, as they have failed to score more than four runs in every game since April 9 against the Atlanta Braves. The cold streak culminated in a disappointing 4-0 loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks last night. Ian Kennedy threw a complete game shut-out, an accomplishment that not even Roy Halladay has achieved yet.

The Phillies players were downtrodden last night, but the coaches were irate. Greg Gross threw a tantrum in the clubhouse and gave one of the most compelling speeches in the franchise’s history. I was the only journalist granted access to the clubhouse during this debacle. Below is the transcription. There is some salty language, so please don’t read if you are easily offended.

. . .

Greg Gross: You’re talking about what? You’re talking about — bitching about that pitch you missed, some son of a bitch fielder got lucky, some pitch you’re trying to corkscrew, so forth. Let’s talk about something important. They all here?

Charlie Manuel: All but one.

Greg Gross: I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important. Put. That coffee. Down. Coffee’s for hitters only. You think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I’m here from downtown. I’m here from Amaro and Montgomery. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. Your name’s Ibanez? You call yourself a hitter, you son of a bitch?

Raul Ibanez: I don’t gotta sit here and listen to this shit.

Greg Gross: You certainly don’t pal, ’cause the good news is you’re fired. The bad news is you’ve got, all of you’ve got just one week to regain your jobs starting with tonight. Starting with tonight’s game. Oh? Have I got your attention now? Good. “Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s hitting contest. As you all know first prize is the Phillie Phanatic hot dog gun. Anyone wanna see second prize? Second prize is a set of batting gloves. Third prize is you’re fired. Get the picture? You laughing now? You got scouting reports. Amaro and Montgomery paid good money, get their names to hit them. You can’t hit the pitchers you’re given, you can’t hit shit. You ARE shit. Hit the bricks pal, and beat it ’cause you are going OUT.

Shane Victorino: The scouting reports are weak.

Greg Gross: The scouting reports are weak? Fucking scouting reports are weak. You’re weak. I’ve been in this business 15 years…

Raul Ibanez: What’s your name?

Greg Gross: Fuck you. That’s my name. You know why, mister? You drove a Hyundai to get here. I drove the Phillie Phanatic’s eighty-thousand dollar go-kart. THAT’S my name. And your name is you’re wanting. You can’t play in the man’s game, you can’t hit them – go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this game: Circle the bases which are lined. You hear me, you fucking scrubs? A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Connecting. Always be connecting. ALWAYS BE CONNECTING. A-I-D-A. Attention, Interest, Decision, Action. Attention – Am you paying attention? Interest – Are you interested in scoring runs? I know you are, because it’s hit or walk. You hit or you hit the bricks. Decision – Have you made your decision to swing or take? And Action. A-I-D-A. Get out there – you got the pitches coming in. You think they came in to get out of the rain? A guy don’t throw a pitch over the plate lest he wants you to hit it. They’re sitting out there waiting to give you the runs. Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? What’s the problem, pal?

Raul Ibanez: You – Gross. You’re such a hero, you’re so successful, how come you’re coming down here wasting your time with such a bunch of bums?

Greg Gross: You see this bat? You see this bat?

Raul Ibanez: Yeah.

Greg Gross: That bat made it to first base more than you. I had a .372 on-base percentage in my career. How often’d you get on base? You see pal, that’s who I am, and you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here? Hit! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can’t take this, how can you take the abuse you get in an at-bat? You don’t like it, leave. I can go out there tomorrow with the materials you’ve got and go 2-for-3 with a walk. Tomorrow! In two hours! Can you? Can YOU? Go and do likewise. A-I-D-A. Get mad you sons of bitches. Get mad. You want to know what it takes to win games? It takes brass balls to win baseball games. Go and do likewise, gents. Runs are out there. You pick them up, it’s yours. You don’t, I got no sympathy for you. You wanna go out in that game tonight and hit, HIT. It’s yours. If not, you’re gonna be shining my shoes. And you know what you’ll be saying – a bunch of losers sittin’ around in a bar. ‘Oh yeah. I used to be in the Majors. It’s a tough racket.’ These are the new scouting reports. These are the Greg Gross scouting reports. And to you they’re gold, and you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They’re for hitters. I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it. And to answer your question, pal, why am I here? I came here because Amaro and Montgomery asked me to. They asked me for a favor. I said the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.

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33 comments

  1. Whaaaaa?

    April 26, 2011 08:05 AM

    Really? Did he really go Alec Baldwin on these guys or was this just your frustration with the poor hitting playing out? And if so, was Palanco playing the Pacino part? I’m just curious. :p

  2. Max

    April 26, 2011 08:13 AM

    Huh, I’d figure he would’ve driven J.C. Romero’s stolen $190,000 Porsche.

  3. The Howling Fantods

    April 26, 2011 08:49 AM

    *golf clap*

    Amazing.

  4. The Von Hazies

    April 26, 2011 09:20 AM

    Well done, sir. Well done.

  5. SchmitterClub

    April 26, 2011 09:21 AM

    exactly the kind of pep talk these chumps need

  6. Trade Ryan Howard

    April 26, 2011 09:40 AM

    kind of a brilliant move by charlie. who knows if he did it intentionally, but charlie can still coddle these guys and not be the bad guy and gross can chew them out because they needed it badly.

  7. Mego

    April 26, 2011 09:47 AM

    Hilarious, great satire. I think that Monologue by Baldwin is the best monologue of all time. Great stuff.

  8. Matt

    April 26, 2011 10:12 AM

    Yeah, I could yell and scream at my 80 yr old grandmother. Doesn’t mean she can suddenly hit a ball. Time for Raul to walk. When you’re done, you’re done. The guy he should be screaming at is Rollins. He’s what 32? His career shouldn’t have declined so fast. He should still be in his prime. If he was hitting line drives and extra base hits rather than popups and groundouts, that would make a big difference. No one else on the team aside from Howard is capable of carrying the offense. You can’t expect Polanco and Victorino to be those guys. They are good parts, but Rollins is supposed to be a stud. Also for as much as I love the great 4 year run that Howard had, he still would rather pull the ball. When he was at his best, he was putting that ball out in left/left center constantly. To watch him get thrown out at 1st by the short left fielder is ridiculous. Rollins and Howard should be the focal point, not Ibanez. Who gives a damn about him anymore? What can you expect for a 39yr old?

  9. Peter S

    April 26, 2011 10:38 AM

    Alec Baldwin’s parody of this scene on SNL is hilarious. “You have kids? Elf you.”

  10. John K

    April 26, 2011 12:07 PM

    Last night on twitter you said “should of” which was nonsense. I think you meant “should’ve”

    I will now proceed to chew you out like Alec Baldwin b/c you just called yourself a journalist after that butchering

  11. Roy H

    April 26, 2011 12:14 PM

    This is definitely going to get these guys because their offense is now kinda like crap, even though I’m a fan of the Phillies. The Phillies keep playing small ball compared to 2008 and I can really see why he’s pissed because THESE GUYS AREN’T CONSISTENT. Dear the Phillies’ Offense, you guys are a very talented offense, if you guys wanna win over 100 GAMES, I MEAN 100 GAMES OR MORE, be more consistent, practice on your struggles, TALK TO GREG GROSS FOR BETTER BATTING CONSISTENCY. Ryan Howard, I like you as a player, but you just need less K’s because then I would vote for you on MVP every year you play on the Phillies. I know Howard it’s hard withouht strong protection from Ibanez, Utley will hopefully come back and support this offense since he’s a 2B All-Star!

  12. hk

    April 26, 2011 12:17 PM

    Should of kept Jayson Werth, even though he wasn’t clutch.

  13. hk

    April 26, 2011 12:23 PM

    …and Milt Thompson as hitting coach.

  14. KH

    April 26, 2011 12:30 PM

    Classic. Why single out Ibanez? How about because a 100 year old monkey corpse could do better at the plate then Ibanez has been doing and he gets paid 10 million a year. He is also a good choice to be the mirror of the washed up Jack Lemon character from Glengarry for this little send up lol. Some of you are zero fun.

  15. Jeff T

    April 26, 2011 02:11 PM

    Freaking hilarious

  16. Mike

    April 26, 2011 03:19 PM

    By hk on Apr 26, 2011

    Should of kept Jayson Werth, even though he wasn’t clutch.

    Yeah because his slash line of .218/.307/.397 sure would be helpful right now.

  17. hk

    April 26, 2011 03:34 PM

    Mike,

    How do you know what Werth’s slash line would be if he was on the Phillies this year? By the way, his .208/.307/.397 slash line is still better than Ibanez’s. Finally, and most important, it was a joke.

  18. Mike

    April 26, 2011 03:53 PM

    Number 1. I’m not sure how we were supposed to know it was a joke. And B. If werth were still here he would be replacing Benny Fran who’s line is .253/.318/.418

    The point is, nobody, with the exception of Polly is hitting right now. We saw them do the same thing several times last year with Werth in the lineup.

  19. milt

    April 26, 2011 06:27 PM

    Best. Rant. Ever.

  20. Marrrk

    April 26, 2011 10:44 PM

    this was a genius idea. kudos to you, Bill.

    although, “Have you made your decision for Christ?” should have been left as it was in the film.

  21. LTG

    April 26, 2011 11:01 PM

    Does anyone else feel as though, when the announcers start talking about how hard the Phillies are hitting the ball despite the fact that they are making outs, it is akin to praising a lazy husband for bringing his plate from the dinner table to the counter without scraping it? (Oh, perhaps this isn’t the site to use that comparison. It was, however, the most politically correct comparison I came up with.)

  22. Marrrk

    April 26, 2011 11:03 PM

    and not because i’m religious or anything, but just because that line is amazing.

  23. Jeff

    April 27, 2011 11:12 AM

    I hope Ibanez wins the hot dog gun. He already runs like he’s got one strapped to his back, and it would be a huge upgrade for him for throwing runners out.

    And is it just me, or are the Phillies now ALWAYS swinging at anything on 3-0 and 3-1 counts? It’s like they have no idea of the strike zone anymore, so they’re like “well he HAS to throw a strike now, so I’ll just close my eyes and take a rip.” Come on!

  24. Marrrk

    April 27, 2011 11:25 AM

    Charlie Manuel: And where’s Mr. Utley?
    Raul Ibanez: Well I’m not a leash, so I don’t know, do I?

  25. hk

    April 27, 2011 11:45 AM

    Mike,

    If you spent any amount of time on these comment boards, you would know it’s part of a long-running series of joking “should of” comments including Bill Baer’s and Scott G’s from the same day. They are all grammatically incorrect take-offs on comments that for a while were posted in satirical fashion by a commenter who called him or herself Fan Since 09.

    Your point about Werth replacing Francisco, not Ibanez, is well taken, if only due to the failings of both the manager and the GM. Therefore, I’d like to revise my original comment to the following:

    Should of kept Jayson Werth and should of signed Ibanez to a 2-year deal.

  26. Mike

    April 27, 2011 05:50 PM

    hk I apologize for not getting the joke. I don’t spend much time here. As far as your last comment, I agree with the part about Ibanez and disagree with the part about Jayson Werth. At least not at that price.

  27. Jack

    April 27, 2011 08:06 PM

    I almost believed this was real b/c the bats woke up after the shutout loss. Ibanez isn’t done, I don’t think he’ll bat .200 this year because he’ll get hot for a while and carry the offense. Finish the year at .240. But that’s who he is now. No use trotting him out there when he’s cold. Mayberry at least has a prayer against lefties. Bill, did you see the article on Brotherlyglove about getting Hunter Pence? I’d love your thoughts.

  28. slightlyconfused

    April 28, 2011 12:29 PM

    Wait, he REALLY said that? like…REALLY? If so, well done.

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