Old Friends

There’s our old friends, offense and pitching!

Looking good, offense. You kicked the meth habit though, right? Good — you were getting kind of skinny. Hah, you still dating that arsonist, pitching? She’s bad for you, man.

It’s been tough without you guys — I didn’t know what to do with myself. I tried not to think about it, but eventually found myself flipping through the yearbook remembering all the good times we had.

Offense, you remember last year when we went to St. Louis and beat the snot out of Todd Wellemeyer and Ron Villone? We did the same thing in Colorado to Jorge de la Rosa. That’s when we were at our peak, man — nobody could touch us. I think we just grew apart for a little while but it’s good to have you back. How long are you going to be in town for?

Pitching, I saw you recently. I don’t think you saw me, but I saw you. Where have you been? Seems like you come in and out of town all the time. I think you just need to settle down, maybe get an apartment around here. Lots of jobs, don’t worry about that. Seems like everything just goes to hell when you leave. Maybe the three of us can get a place together, just like old times.

Tired of the metaphor yet? If you can’t tell, it was great to see the Phillies’ offense and their pitching both show up at the same time for a 10-1 win in Tampa against the Rays. The Phils scored six in the first and four in the fourth. Chase Utley and John Mayberry drove in seven of the Phillies’ ten runs, and Jamie Moyer threw six efficient innings, allowing only one run. The bullpen? A scoreless three innings.

The win, the Phillies’ first in nine days, snaps a six-game losing skid. Add another W into the road wins column as well. Make it 24 on the year with nine losses, compared to 13-22 at home.

Dear Mr. Selig,

Please re-schedule all of the Phillies’ home games as road games.

Thanks.

Sincerely,

Crashburn Alley