All Right, Who Did It?
Oddly enough, this is not a joke. Three suspicious packages were found at Citizens Bank Park earlier today and they were detonated by a bomb squad. Per Todd Zolecki:
Citizens Bank Park was evacuated briefly this afternoon after three suspicious packages were found just outside the ballpark, a Phillies official said.
Turns out the packages were harmless — just hot dogs. This space is reserved for the multitude of hot dog-bomb jokes that you can make.
If there was a legitimate bomb threat, though, we’d have to whittle through a list of suspects.
Phillies fans could be behind it because it’d be an artistic metaphor for the Mets’ poor play in the Septembers of aught-seven and aught-eight.
Mets fans could be behind it because it’s their only shot at the division.
Jo-Jo Reyes could be behind it because he didn’t want to get shelled… again.
John McCain could be behind it to add another excuse to postponing the debate.
Harry Kalas could be behind it because he didn’t want to have to endure three hours of his colleague Chris Wheeler pronouncing Jo-Jo Reyes’ last name as “Ray-ass.”
Ah, screw it. We all know Saddam would have been behind it. Posthumously.